bandar seri bagawan

the goon is strong. A mind that’s been spoon fed will be no more and no less than a spoiled brat, demanding its due of shit.

I’ve been demanding things of companies and people. Am I spoiled? Money, etc. I think they owe it to me. But nobody owes me shit. Gotta molest and force. Imagine molesting your employer to make them give you money. Sounds rapey. But that’s what it is. Otherwise they do it first. And they will keep doing it. Realistically though, if a client or employer does that to you, what do you do?

Is it better to fight battles of attrition against them? Is it better to leave? What if you feel compelled to stay because of financial reasons? Bondage. Enslavement of the mind. For all the bs I tell myself about being sovereign and the kinda man that doesn’t get fucked with, I am a fuckwit, because I yet have not demonstrated the courage to threaten one of my current clients with departure. Only a half assed complaint. “I expect what is due”….wtf do you expect? Who cares anyway what you expect?

This is the dilemma. To risk or not to risk. A guaranteed way to make money, or risk starving? Ego dilemma or real dilemma? Who’s to say ego is not worth fighting for? I guess it all depends on your natural risk tolerance. Some people are averse to it. very. Their favourite situation would be a job that lasts until retirement. They are willing to take all the shit that comes at them for that stability. Establishment. Ceterus Paribus. Some aren’t willing that. Me for example. I have left jobs because of the shit that spews out of the managing sacks of wonderful atoms.

Establishment. What does it mean for someone like me and you, whoever relates? We always consider dipping when we disagree. At the end of the day, clients and employers provide us with money. Resources to help us survive. Is it no different than a zebra running away for hours from a hunter? No, it’s more like the zebra just found your hungry ass and pissed on you, just so you can get a whiff of its dear meat. Then it wiggled its tail saying u gonna chase me or what? Except chasing game feels way more satisfying and soul crushing (in a good way) than submitting yourself to a company’s cash flow. Maybe, again, I’m just arrogant in my spoon fed life. This growth that is this body and mind have been used to the hardships of no hardships. The soothing of the entitled ego.

You know gooner content. You know gooners. A whole 2 generations, and now a third has been fed nudity like it’s caviar plasmon. I have, since 13. At one point I even psychologically whipped myself in shame for it. Then I blamed the powers that control this reality. But you know how the blame game goes…it all ends up in GOD.

I’m still on that journey. The goon is strong in this one. It will take time. Be patient. Is that an excuse? It feels like writing this is a big giant excuse. Talking about not being paid enough like a communist, blaming GOD like a real believer, running away and coming back like a crackhead.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m sheltering my bad habits. I don’t seem to fully want to let them go. Surely we want to drop the things that don’t serve us. But I’ve seen this. I still have yet to fully wash out them patterns. That’s because I’m hopeful. Perhaps I’ll stop flaying my system for not achieving this right here and right now. Perhaps I’ll realise something that will be a stepping stone towards achievement.

For now, this is a limbo. A place where I’m dedicating my energy (well this blog is not even weekly) to at least every now and then be directed towards something that is strange and possibly fruitful in the long term. Writing is a long term game in my opinion. My skills are improving, but at the pace that I’m writing, so I guess that doing it every day would make me a paper orator in no time. Right now I’m still a noob. I can tell. I don’t know if I’d binge my own content. I’ve not tried. If I don’t even wanna consume my own produce, then why the fuck should I expect others to. Some may say don’t get high on your own supply. Only if you consider reading a form of recreational drugs. I just realised that I probably don’t read my own stuff for the same reason that we hate the sound of our own voice from a voice recorder.

Vin gang said that we can learn to suffer our own voice, and through that will the virtue of improvement show us a new world. So if we apply the same logic to writing, and I read my own stuff, I think my writing will improve. It won’t necessarily improve the other conditions that I started this post with, but it will do something. And whatever that something is, I’m eager to tap into it.

It’s funny to read comments on some hidden and highly enlightening YouTube videos. Everyone says that it’s AI. Well, if it is AI, then it dam is better than what 99% of humans are capable of creating. I don’t and didn’t think it was. This video talked about the core nature of the male, and his relationship to the female. This resonated with me to fuck. All the comments saying AI. They didn’t believe or even understand what they heard. It probably clashed with the mental scaffoldings that have stayed erected throughout their entire life. It’s like Whiskey Peak in One Piece. In fact, the video talks about the majority of males acting like this and thinking like this. This is probably why they’re butthurt. Even if it was AI, if the content is of high quality, why should we hate on it? You might say to me, how is it hate if all the point out is that it’s AI? For that you must go on TikTok and see for yourself. Whenever someone doesn’t like something, they call it AI. It’s like a red herring way of shitting on something. By the way, the video referred to Nietzsche a lot, and I’m pretty sure that most of the points were directly extracted from Nietzsche. Only someone who is enchanted with the modern subconscious agenda would deny the claims made.

Either way, I’m now in a position of limbo. I can’t talk too much shit without being hypocritical. Because I realise the stuff, but I’m also undoing the patterns and unraveling the truth. It’s like enjoying a greasy ass pizza, and then feeling guilty for it and going on trustpilot to leave 1 star at the pizza shop because you feel bad. In fact, even in hypocrisy I still talk, and I might as well since this has been a complex situation. I might as well include hypocrisy, fallacy, paradoxes, double standards, all the ways of deception. I’m deceitful. I am in nature. I do it, regardless of whichever morality I’d like to uphold my own ego’s fragility with. But is it any better to not claim any morality and then do the same things anyway?